So, you’ve always wanted to be a villain in the Dungeons and Dragons Realm. First, you should know that being a villain is not for everyone. By taking this quiz, you can determine whether or not you are one of the select few who have what it takes. All you need to take this quiz is a #2 pencil, a few spare minutes, a standard-sized blue book, and one of those annoying little green scantron forms.
(Of course, the first step towards being a good villain is ignoring the rules and doing everything your own way. Therefore, feel free to use a pen instead of a pencil or a sheet of scratch paper instead of a blue book-- or you could be really rebellious and use a pencil that isn’t #2!! Whatever you do, though, you should always use one of those annoying little green scantron forms. Nothing says “evil” better than an annoying little green scantron form.)
Time allowed: Technically, 20 minutes, but rules are made to be broken... Mark only one answer per question. Unless, of course, you think it’s a trick question...
- Venger wears a horn because:
- A) he enjoys being lop-sided.
- B) he’s evil.
- C) it helps him tell left from right.
- Tiamat is evil because:
- A) she got tired of being called “ten eyes”.
- B) Dungeon Master annoyed her one too many times.
- C) good is dumb.
- Shadowdemon is:
- A) a useful resource.
- B) a hopeless lackey.
- C) biding his time, learning all he can from Venger, and waiting for his chance to take over.
- Venger decided to stop being Dungeon Master’s pupil and turn to evil because:
- A) evil is more fun.
- B) he was tired of riddles.
- C) Dungeon Master dubbed him “Chef” and gave him an enchanted spatula as a magic weapon.
- Venger is blue because:
- A) he’s really a Gamelon from “Starblazers”.
- B) purple would look really lame.
- C) he’s a closet Smurfs fan, and it’s the only way he feels comfortable expressing his fanhood.
- Orcs, bullywugs, and lizardmen:
- A) are incompetent fools.
- B) are good comic relief.
- C) work cheap because they’re non-union.
- The best way to stop a group of six kids from ruining your plans is:
- A) hunt them down relentlessly.
- B) hire better help.
- C) help them find a way home, then conquer the Realm once they’re gone.
- The best reason for conquering the Realm is:
- A) it’s there.
- B) you’re evil.
- C) it’s there and you’re evil.
- If you could be ruler of the Realm, your first action would be to:
- A) order Dungeon Master to make sense when he speaks.
- B) tell those meddling kids what they can do with their weapons.
- C) order Shadowdemon to fire up the barbecue and get ready for “Tiamat burgers”.
- If you suspect that an orc is really a hero in disguise, you should:
- A) watch for signs of intelligence- a sure giveaway every time.
- B) listen for an accent.
- C) order the orc into a sure-death situation- either way, the problem is solved.
Bonus Essay Question - In 7500 words or less, describe a fool-proof plan for conquering the Realm. Be sure to cover all possible situations where this plan could fail. Explain how your plan fits into the grand scheme of good and evil, and how it will help to guarantee a victory for the forces of evil in this cosmic struggle. For extra credit, prepare a list of excuses you can use once your plan does fail (don’t be discouraged, all evil plans are doomed to failure- the trick is shielding yourself from the blame).
Now that you’ve made it this far, it’s time to determine whether you pass or fail. Don’t worry about what you put as the answer to any of the questions, it doesn’t matter. The most important thing is how you answered the questions. If you cheated at any time during this quiz, then congratulations!! You have what it takes to be a D&D villain. If you didn’t cheat at all, then you are a fool! You fail! HAHAHAHAHA!!! (take note of that- all villians need to be able to laugh manically).
