Some time ago, the fan club had a poll to determine which actors fans would like to see in a "Dungeons and Dragons” movie. They called it the "Dream Cast”. Well, one has to remember that Hollywood has a long tradition of screwing up movies adapted from TV shows. Just this year alone, movies such as "Lost in Space” and "The Avengers” have been seriously botched. Therefore, rather than putting together a "Dream Cast”, I am putting together a list of actors that would be likely to star in a D&D flop. I call it the "Nightmare Cast”.

Hank: Fabio
Sheila: Martha Stewart (With hair dyed red)
Bobby: McCully Culkin (I know he's grown up, but most people still consider him a "child” actor)
Eric: Bill Gates
Presto: Woody Allen
Diana: Robin Givens (A bad actress and Mike Tyson's former wife)
Venger/Director: Christopher Walken
Dungeon Master: Danny DiVito
Tiamat: Ghidra (The three headed dragon-monster from the old Godzilla movies)

We join the Nightmare Cast as they are preparing for their next big scene...

Robin Givens (Diana): Umm… Chris, would you mind having a stunt double do this next scene?

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): Why? All it calls for is for you to twirl your staff.

Robin Givens (Diana): [look of terror] But I might break a nail...

Woody Allen (Presto): Varla is supposed to be Presto's girlfriend, right?

Fabio (Hank): Please... I have an important problem. Can I trade costumes with the barbarian?

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): But I thought you liked studded leather.

Fabio (Hank): I do, but this outfit doesn't show off enough of my body.

Martha Steward (Sheila): [excited look] I vote that he switches costumes with the barbarian!

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): Calm down, Martha. We can’t just go switching costumes unless it's in the script.

Martha Steward (Sheila): [disappointed look] Oh... too bad... Anyway, as long as we’re discussing costumes, can I have a sewing kit and some material? These leather boots are much too tall, and this skirt is way, way to short.

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): But that's what she wore in the series.

Martha Steward (Sheila): What?? It doesn't fit her character at all. She's supposed to be sweet and innocent. This costume makes her look like a stripper!

McCully Culkin (Bobby): [giggles uncontrollably]

Martha Steward (Sheila): What are YOU laughing at? Do I have to remind you what YOU'RE wearing?

McCully Culkin (Bobby): [looks quickly at his costume, then puts his hands on his face] AAAAAaaaaaa... [trademark scream]

Woody Allen (Presto): Varla is going to be in this movie right? My agent told me she'd be in the movie. We have a scene together, right?

Bill Gates (Eric): [exits his trailer, speaking on a cell phone] ...no, I can't leave. I promised him I would be in this. I know I was drunk at the time, but he's a good friend of mine... and anyway, they're letting me play the rich, dignified one...

Woody Allen (Presto): [speaking mostly to himself] I wonder if Varla's going to wear a nightgown as a costume. She did in the cartoon.

Ghidra (Tiamat): [practicing] ROOAAaaaarrrrrr... [wheeze, hack, cough]... This rubber suit is getting hot...

Robin Givens (Diana): At least no one will know it’s you in there. I can't believe my agent put me into this movie. It's going to ruin my career.

Danny DiVito (Dungeon Master): WHAT career?

Robin Givens (Diana): [indignant look] The one I should be having. The one I deserve. After the divorce, I was supposed to be famous. My agent said so. Mike, he goes and bites that Holyfield guy’s ear off and gets all the attention. What did I get? Well, ok, I got his house, his car, his money... but all I want is people to notice! I want people to notice ME!! [runs off the set in tears]

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): Why do I have to put up with this? And why do I have to play the weird-looking villain? Why do I always have to play the weird-looking villain?

Fabio (Hank): Take a look in the mirror...

Woody Allen (Presto): [again, speaking mostly to himself] Varla's supposed to be a teenager, right? I hope they got a suitable actress...

Christopher Walken (Venger/Director): Woody... um... I think we need to have a talk...

Bill Gates (Eric): ...ok, bye. [puts away cell phone and turns to Danny DiVito] Well, I'd better rehearse a bit.

Danny DiVito (Dungeon Master): [look of hopelessness] Ok Bill, whatever you say...

Bill Gates (Eric): Hmmm... maybe if I write that Venger guy a big, fat check he'll just let us all go home.

Danny DiVito (Dungeon Master): Bill, it's nice that you're trying to get into your character and all, but...

Bill Gates (Eric): [cuts off Danny DiVito quickly] No, really, I'm serious, you know that guy who's directing and playing Venger? Well, if I give him a huge check, do you think he'll let us go home? I've got better things to do than act in this disaster.

...So ends our look at the Nightmare Cast. And consider this- If you think this is bad, remember that real life is often stranger than fiction. *shudder*