MINDRAL - A coalition of Realm monarchs, heros, sages, and peasantry filed a class-action lawsuit today in the High Court of Wizards and Other Impressively Powerful Folk, contending that the omnipresent sage and helpful guide Dungeon Master has been giving useless advice and confusing instructions for at least the past few centuries. The suit details specific damages that the parties wish to see compensated, damages that they claim were sustained as a direct result of Dungeon Master’s consultations.
Lawyers for the coalition released a public statement, citing Dungeon Master with willful negligence. “The accused party has, on numerous occasions, clouded and confused the minds of kings and peasants alike. His purposeful pattern of obfuscation and cagey elusiveness has resulted in great harm, made particularly deplorable by the fact that his advice is usually sought only at times of most desperate need.”
According to King Mahckle of Shron, Dungeon Master’s counsel has caused his nation serious financial loss on several occasions. “I asked DM, ‘Hey, where should I build my new fortress to best keep the bullywugs from raiding the lowland towns?’ And he comes back with ‘The road to success is paved with many signs. Let the wings of flight be your guide.’ Or something like that.”
This response, says Mahckle, is the reason he built his fortress in the Shron Marshes. “The next day I saw a flock of ducks flying out into the marshes. I figured that this is what DM was talking about, and we began construction where the ducks landed.” Two years after the fortress was complete, the entirety of the structure had sunk into the damp ground. “We spent forty thousand gold coins building that fortress, and now that it’s all under water and mud, we’re up to our nostrils in bullywugs.” Added an irritated Mahckle, “Plus now all our neighbors think we’re stupid.”
A traveling cavalier, who asked to remain anonymous, voiced similar concerns regarding himself and a small group of other-worldly companions who have had frequent dealings with Dungeon Master. “That guy keeps telling us how to find our way home,” the cavalier said. “But he gives us these crazy riddles, instead of just telling us what to do, and by the time we figure them out, half the time the way home is gone already. It’s really frustrating. We could have spent the last two years learning useful trades and making money or something. But no!”
The cavalier and his companions say they have had enough. “Last week Dungeon Master told us to find the Magic Pool of Worlds,” the ranger of the group said. “And he said ‘Seek the rain that lands as fire, and hold the key to your heart’s desire.’” The ranger then shrugged. “We told him we would go, but the riddle just seemed impossible and pointless. We decided to go to the local village and look for work instead.”
In the village they met several members of the coalition, and decided
to join the class action suit. The Wizard Malphayus, one of the most
outspoken members of the coalition, enlisted these and many other injured
parties. “‘The road that follows your hand sometimes leads not to
the shoulder.’” Malphayus said, quoting the venerable sage. “I asked
how to get spectres out of my
castle, and that is what he told me. Honestly, what am I supposed
to make of that?” Apparently the wizard’s construction of a fifty-mile
road following the shape of his own hand was not the correct interpretation
of the mysterious advice. “We had to displace a lot of farmers, and
now they refuse to pay homage to my threatening displays of magical force.
I demand justice!”
Some sources claim that the advice of the great sage has been a source of trouble in the Realm for nearly three hundred years. At times, Dungeon Master’s words have caused confusion even when advice was not sought. “One day he just appeared in my castle,” Malphayus continued. “And he said ‘The walk of a thousand butterflies ends where the cycle of time begins.’ And then he disappeared behind a coat rack. It’s maddening!”
King Mahckle expressed agreement. “You never know what he really wants or thinks or expects you to do. And what about his name, ‘Dungeon Master’? No one has ever seen him set foot in a real dungeon in 300 years, and yet he claims to be a Master of them. Everything about him is misleading.”
While Dungeon Master could not be reached directly, a source close to the great sage claimed that DM was taking the charges very seriously. “I can assure everyone, particularly the coalition bringing the suit, that the feast of a thousand kings will not feed the roach of contemplation. At least that is what DM told me.”