DRAGON’S GRAVEYARD - Tiamat and Demodragon, long-time competitors in the multi-headed rampaging monster sector, yesterday announced that they plan to merge, joining forces to become one polycephalic serpentine menace. The merger, which has yet to be approved by the Council of Justice, has surprised and shocked many industry analysts.
Master Gludius Flogger of the Gluttonous Behemoth Group, is one of the
many skeptics. “I have my doubts about this kind of union, particularly
at this time,” said Flogger. “Tiamat’s force in the market is starting
to cool, and last year’s third quarter petrification and crumbling of Demodragon,
requiring a complete restructuring, has left the beast with shaky holdings
and
meager assets.” Regarding a possible culture clash between the
two, Flogger added, “They come from different mythos, and have different
ideals. To make something like this succeed, you need a natural synergy
that I just don’t see happening.”
Tiamat’s red head and official spokeshead for the evil creature, disagrees. “A merger makes perfect sense, particularly in the present economy,” the head explained. “In today’s complex market you need an incarnation of evil that can address a wide range of needs. I firmly believe that our combined skill sets and expertise can work together to accomplish that.” When asked to explain the skills and expertise in question, the red head replied, “That should be obvious. Demodragon has size and brute strength, while we have cunning and really malicious intent.” Added the head, “And don’t underestimate the power of name recognition. I mean, ‘Tiamat’ is not a name most people forget easily. We anticipate that our new name, ‘Demomat’, will strike even more fear into the hearts of mortals.”
Tiamat’s red head dismissed rumors that downsizing would be necessary after the merger due to redundant breath weapons. “There will be room for all seven heads,” the spokeshead said. “We are both committed to the best interests of everyone involved.”
When asked about the possible consequences of the merger, Demodragon seemed less clear. “BLAAHRRRGRZOKICQIKLXXZNARF!” indicated the two-headed monstrosity just before freezing the assembled press conference into a solid block of ice.
Spokesmen for the Council of Justice gave conflicting accounts of the Council’s stance on the proposal. According to Finneous Cornshlucker, Secretary to the Council, the reason for the confusion comes partly from the unpredictability of the two entities involved. “Will they rampage less, or rampage more?” he questioned. “We cannot really be sure. Less rampage reduces competition, and that’s ultimately bad for the consumer. Plus, we have to consider the basic issue of choice. With only one multi-headed dragon bringing terror down upon the populace, your average Joe Victim has no opportunity to choose his or her harbinger of death.” Added Cornshlucker, “That would be bad.”
Tiamat’s spokeshead nevertheless seemed optimistic about the chances of receiving Council approval. “I think we can argue our case convincingly,” the head explained. “And if they do not approve our plan, we will simply eat them.”